Oh. My. God.

No, I’m not being stingy. You can have him, too.  God, that is.  Shit, one sentence and already I’m off topic. Let me start again.

Oh. My. God.

I mean, what the hell was I thinking?  I’m starting a damned BLOG?? Who do I think I am, Jenny Fucking Lawson.  (No offense to Mrs. Lawson. And no, Fucking is NOT her middle name.  It’s not even Fu King!  She’s not even Chinese!!!) I’m no Bloggess, to be posting about my boring life and turning it into something SO funny that millions of people read my blog and it turns into a New York Times NUMBER ONE RELEASE, and takes me on a tour or the country marketing my book!!  *pant* *pant* *pant*

Then again, Jenny Lawson’s life is FAR from boring.  I’ve never had ANYTHING thrown at me that wasn’t made by Nerf or Wilson.

WIIIIIIIIILLLSOOOOOOOOOON!

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, then I suggest these three simple steps to help.

  1. Crawl out from under the rock,
  2. Go to the local bookstore. Any one will do, and
  3. BUY HER BOOK, “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened“, or
  4. Check out her blog, TheBloggess.com. Read the blog about Beyonce, the Metal Chicken. That’s where most people start. 

Though if you don’t understand the Wilson comment, rent the movie Cast Away, after following item 1.

This sucks. Don’t get me wrong, Mrs. Lawson (who will remain Mrs. Lawson until she gives me permission to call her otherwise) is a great Blogger, sorry Bloggess, but my whole FIRST BLOG POST seems to be about her.

(I hope to hell she doesn’t read this, she’ll think I’m a stalker or something! Ok, well, if I lived closer maybe, but from 2 states away it’s tough to stalk.  You really have to be a serious stalker to do that shit.  And, well, I’m not. Serious. Or a stalker.)

Well, since I spent my entire first post talking about ANOTHER blogger (Sorry, ess) I guess you’ll have to wait until my next post to find out about me.

I know, try to keep your depression in check. It’s just not all that impressive.  Promise.

(My marketing personnel have told me that I’m an idiot for saying I’m not impressive, and that I should tell you how wonderful I am, so on the advice of a 17 and 12 year-old, here goes.)

So, try to keep your anticipation in check. It will be hard, but it will be worth it when you get to finally read my very first REAL post, finally feast your eyes on words that will make your heart soar, your soul sing and your eyes water…I mean cry. Tears of joy.

Oh hell. I quit.

I’ll come back tomorrow.

Maybe.

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